After the celebrations ended, Moses moved Israel into the Wilderness of Shur.  The old adage that one can go only three days without water is true, and it was tested.

Arriving at a place called Marah we found water but it was bitter.  It was here the people began to once again complain.

The Miracle Of Water At Marah

Vegetation was sparse.  There seemed to be plenty of dirt and rock in these lands.  What grazing for animals that could be found became precious.  It’s not that some quantity of water was impossible to find.  Rather it was the lack of volume which was lacking.

The needed water supplies to sustain near two million people is no joke even within modern civilizations.  In this time of Moses to say lacking water is a crisis becomes an understatement.

“Have you noticed that wherever we go it is the most inhospitable and difficult land to survive within?” Nathan asked.
“Yeah I have.” I replied.

We were sitting on rocks, which could be found in abundance, and in the sun’s heat.  It certainly was miserable.

“It has its advantages.” Jared smiled as he said.
“Oh definitely, no one else in their right minds would be out here.” Nathan burst out laughing.

This discussion was ongoing as we listened to Israel complain to Moses.  Once again they were comparing their condition to being in Egypt.  I started to notice that this mindset was becoming a constant theme.

“I don’t care how bad it is.  I would rather die here than be a slave.” I remarked concerning the people’s complaints.
“Yeah, I don’t think the people will listen to you Clay.  Right now, you would rather die anyway.  That depression you hold is deep and dark.” Nathan shot at me.
“Still my point remains.” I hit back.

Moses began speaking to the people.  He stated that if the people would turn their hearts to God, follow Him, obey His commandments, that the people would not suffer the plagues of Egypt.

Moses then took tree branches which were nearby and placed it into the pools of Marah.  Soon after the water became not only drinkable, but also sweet.

Elim, The Wilderness Of Sin, Rephidim

Similar scenes would play out in the places we continued to.  Elim was one exception as there were twelve pools of water and a hospitable location.

The Wilderness of Sin though held interesting turns.  I remembered hearing about mana although I did not remember its context.  When I discovered it was food which was provided by God placed on the ground for us to eat, it was humbling.

I say this for after traversing the world as I have I knew real starvation.  While the people complained and grumbled they failed to realize that they never starved.  Add to this when they demanded meat God provided quail.

It was here my internal conflict came to a divergence.  I was cracking within my heart and my mind.  I recognized that I had been spared so many times.  In fact my life should have been over so long ago, yet I was still here.

Part of my problem was that I did not want to be here.  The pain came to be too much.  I pushed against this reality with anger refusing to accept it.  One may ask how an individual can be humbled and angry at the same time.  Simply put, I was losing my mind.

In Rephidim once again Israel complained not having water.  Never once did they ask for it.  They rather would complain and groan until it was given to them.

Here it would be after Moses hit the rock with his staff a river of water flowed from it.  As I stared into the water to drink I saw my reflection.  I saw the years I endured wanting to return home as I live within my own wilderness.

Still with this reflection, I did not protest by refusing to take the water which was provided for me.  Just like Israel, I would take the water without true thankfulness in heart. The divergence in my mind broke even further.  I was more stubborn than these people.

They have been slaves their entire lives and knew nothing of self-reliance.  They were told what time to get up, when to work, allowed access to provisions, and handed a space to live as slaves.  The discomfort of freedom had not yet become comfortable to them.

For them, while they were stubborn, grace is warranted for it is an acclimation process to know freedom.  For me, there was no excuse.  It was a battle within my very soul, my determination and will drove me to insanity.

Israel’s Battle With Amalek

Terror would once again come to the people of Israel.  This time it was the Amalekites.  This was a nomadic tribe.  They came to attack Israel and it would be a battle to remove us from existence.

The moment I heard Amalek was coming I went into a rage.  I knew his father Eliphaz.  The grandfather of Amalek was Esau.  In my mind I thought of those last moments Jacob and Esau were together after they reconciled.  Here my heart began to sink into an abyss.

Joshua had made a name for himself as a young man.  He was certainly a leader.  He knew no fear.  Each step of the way he trusted God without questioning.  Perhaps what I saw as youthful ignorance weeks ago was something more.

Moses recognized the qualities in Joshua that I had missed.  Joshua was chosen to lead an army against Amalek.  He began to choose warriors from among the tribes.  Near the end of this gathering of fighters he came to me.

I was at a makeshift forge hammering out a repair to a cart which had broken.  It was a way for me to relieve some of my frustration while being productive.  While many Israelite’s were strong laborers, not all were skilled.  This is one of the side effects of mass labor in slavery.

Approaching the cart with the part in my hand, I saw Joshua along with Nathan and Jared coming my way.  I noticed both Nathan and Jared were wearing their weapons.  It was that moment I knew what I would be asked to do.

“Clay, we need you.” Jared started
“No.” My answer was simple.
“Why will you not fight against Amalek?  He has become our enemy.” Joshua was a little hot in his question.

“Because his grandfather was my friend.  At least now you know that.” I was a little hot back at Joshua.
“We can’t help what was in the past Clay.  What we have to do is what must be done in the present.” Nathan was trying to be logical.

“Really?  You want me to go kill my friend’s grandchildren?” I said.
“What about us?  You were Jacob’s friend as well!  Do we not matter?” Joshua was near yelling.
“You are right.  I was also friends with Jacob.  So, tell me why must two brothers slaughter each other?” I demanded.

“Listen to me Clay.  There are a lot of them.  They are armed, trained, and coming to kill every man, woman, and child.  We don’t have a choice.” Nathan was staring into my eyes.

Turning I walked towards my belongings which were a few yards away.  Reaching down I took my sword and tied it to my waist.  Turning I looked back into Joshua’s eyes.

“Never ask me again what is wrong with me.” I walked past the three of them towards the gathering men.

Victory Over The Amalekites

I later learned that Moses had been told by God that as he stood holding his arms up in the air the children of Israel would be victorious.  I also heard that as he grew tired and his arms fell that Israel began to suffer losses.

Aaron and Hur propped Moses onto a rock where they could help hold his arms in the air.  This battle was grueling.  The fighting lasted the entire day.

As the sun set Amalek and his army were left dead on the field.  In that battle I lost something.  My conflict within was a burden I could no longer bare.  The faces of the past and present were always in the front of my mind.

In those last moments I stood there staring at my sword.  It dripped with blood.  The black steel was now crimson.  I remembered Noah as I felt the blade in my hands.

“Clay, God once walked with man and still man decided to attempt being his own god.  God then separated Himself from man because our hearts are evil and He cannot be a part of sin.  We then turned on each other to dominate mankind.  This is done with a belief that man is god.”

“I have grandsons that believe they are powerful, mighty hunters, conquerors.  They trust their own power so much that Yah is forgotten.  What you will need to do in order to survive will not be easy.”

“Taking a life to protect yourself or to protect the innocent is sometimes necessary.  My fear is that if you do not know Yah then it could be that you fight for the wrong side.”

Noah’s words rang in my mind from across the years.  I could see that his fears were beginning to come into my reality.  My path was blurred.  I was almost too far gone.

Leaving Rephidim For Mt Sinai

I heard that the father-in-law of Moses, Jethro, came to visit him.  Along with him came the wife of Moses and his children.  The time that we would remain in Rephidim would be short.  It was in this time that I became more isolated.

Jared and Nathan would spend more time with Joshua while I would attempt avoiding all three of them.  I simply wished to be alone.

My thoughts continually went to leaving this place.  Taking a horse and riding away from here was what I wanted more than anything.  The problem was I couldn’t.  To leave here meant I had only one direction I could go.  That direction was North.

To go North was to enter hostile lands where I would most likely not survive alone.  I was trapped.  Due to this I hammered away at the makeshift forge making repairs. 

Moses had the help of his father-in-law to set up a basic governing system.  For too long Moses attempted to be the one dealing with the people.  There would be elders which presided over the numbers of Israel which they could go to with issues.

I was not surprised that my “professional class” was once again slotted for combat no matter how hard I hammered away at this forge.  There was no escape for me.

Due to my “professional standing”, naturally I fell under the new authority of young Joshua.  At this point I was becoming intolerable.  At some point someone would just have to put me out of my misery.

We would pack up from our location at Rephidim and begin the short journey to Mt. Sinai.  I remembered the name of the place.  I knew this was the location where the Ten Commandments would be given.

If my memory served accurately, this was also the place where God came to the mountain top and met with Moses.  Within me was every negative emotion known to mankind.  Among those emotions was also fear.

Despite my present condition I had not forgotten the chilling voice and cold of Death.  What I believed to be a curse within which I lived, this divergent problem was reaching my maximum limits.

We arrived at Mt Sinai and we made camp.  At this point I had not talked to Jared or Nathan for days.  Apparently, they convinced Joshua to leave me alone for the moment.  I pitched my tent as far away from people as I realistically could.

Technically I was not supposed to camp where I was.  I had to choose between being closer to the mountain, or closer to the people.  The rise of the plateau denied me being closer to the desert.

I was on the far western side of the camp.  In front of me was the mountain.  Behind me was the desert.  If there ever was going to be a time to have a conversation with God, I believed that this would be the time.